Frankie Says Relax

After spending the better part of an hour this morning mopping my floor three separate times (spilled oatmeal, spilled applesauce and spilled milk), I decided it was high time I used the spa gift certificate I got for mother's day. Calgon, take me away. I believe in the power of a stranger's hands on my back to make the world a better place. Angela, masseuse lady, you were pure magic today. Thank you for giving my brain an hour off this afternoon and for ignoring the fact that I may or may not have farted in my sleep.

I used to think that a massage was like pizza, even when it's bad, it's good. Then I learned that when you're naked and lying on a table, things could definitely get a little weird. Here are my top 5 massage mishaps:

1. In the middle of my last massage a few months ago, I started to feel a serious shaking. About 15 seconds in, I just knew we were in the middle of an earthquake (this is northern California...). I oh-so-casually asked the masseuse if she noticed the ground moving. She laughed and told me that it was just the laundry next door. Apparently, I had the best room in the house-if you like random vibrations in the middle of your massage.

2. While getting a massage once up in Tahoe, the masseuse told me that "regular massage can really help with the scoliosis." Say what? This woman gave me a wicked case of hypochondria until my next doctor's visit confirmed I did not, in fact, have scoliosis.

3. At a nail salon in NYC, this tiny Asian manicurist was no match for my rock hard shoulders. After about a minute of attempting to massage me, she had to sub out. Another woman took over for her, but not before she told me that I was the most tense person she had ever touched. I win!

4. This one masseur at a nice spa in NYC repeatedly massaged down my chest, dangerously close to my lady humps. I was so stunned by it that I didn't say anything. In retrospect, I wish I had complained so that he would know it was creepy if he wasn't doing it on purpose to be creepy. And, if he was being skeezy, I wish I gotten his ass fired.

5. Last October, the week of my due date, I used a gift certificate to a prenatal massage trying to coax the baby out (fat chance). The masseuse was super chatty and started telling me about her love life. I heard all the deets, including how she and her new man haven't been as careful as they should be and why she would definitely need to get an abortion if she ends up pregnant. Mind you, I'm lying there on my side like a beached whale wondering why the eff this woman was getting waaaaaay too up close and personal. Again, I probably should have said something when I checked out but I needed to get my bloated, oiled self home or to a hospital.