Lady in red

If only this lasted longer than a few minutes

Hmm, so that's what it feels like to not open a computer for three days. Not bad. Not bad at all. Though I did start to think that I was neglected my blog. Funny how it comes with a real sense of duty. I need something to keep me on schedule these days.

As for all my plane apprehensions, turns out they were somewhat well founded. He wasn't a total freak show, but I definitely did not believe the old man who sat behind me who tried to tell me that "the baby was a great flier!" There was some serious crank at the beginning of the flight, which was right when Mr. Monk should have been napping. Once he finally napped, he was relatively calm with a few exaggerated shrieks every twenty minutes or so. My husband and I looked like we'd been through a war at the end, between all the passing back and forth, the hurried diaper changes, and the climbing under the seats to retrieve cast off food, toys, bottles, cups, etc. Luckily, the shorter flight today to NYC was far, far easier. And shorter.

Turns out weddings are really quite a riot when you can drink and drink again. I forgot how much I love champagne. The band at my friend's wedding was badass (Isaac Hayes' daughter was the bandleader--Shut your mouth!) and we tore it up. At least I'd like to think I did. Seeing myself dancing on video is one of my more horrifying experiences.

About five minutes into my let loose wedding weekend, I lost my driver's license. I had already typed in "how does one fly when license is lost" into the google when someone turned it in to reception. Can you believe someone gave me a baby?

In other big news, I finally bought a red lipstick. Big time, people. I went and got my makeup done pre wedding at the mall across the street from the hotel (we asked the concierge what we could do to entertain our baby within walking distance and she said the mall had a great Santa-the makeup gal told me he rakes in half a million per year. Who wouldn't be fat and jolly for that?) Anyway, I opted for NARS Cruella (huh, never noticed the name before). I practically had to scrub it off at the end of the night. It's the gift that keeps giving. I kind of love it and want to wear it everyday but I know I'll lose the fever if I do. Decisions, decisions.

Check out the glamour shot that I made my husband take of me at the end of the night (after we came in and woke the babysitter who was sleeping on our hotel bed). The secret deodorant and my chicken dance pose are especially glamorous, I know. But, really, I wanted to capture the steely power of the lipstick that had not been applied since before the "I do's."


I hope you're all well and happy this week of thanks. I'm in my favorite place with my favorite people so I'm already feeling pretty grateful.

Mahalo Mr. Schneed

I took my own advice and went to accomplish all manner of lady grooming today. Of course, the babysitter didn't show up this afternoon so that put a slight damper on my pre-vacation relaxation status. Thankfully, my husband came through for me and realized the desperation of the situation. You know you're tired when you almost fall asleep while lying half-naked on a waxing table. I do love me some nail salon action. Those ladies always tell me that I look great and ask after the baby. Now, I know the nail salon isn't exactly a bastion of female empowerment, but it is nice that they try to make you feel good. Combine this with my overtipping and you have a real chicken vs. egg conundrum.

While I was reading about Maria Shriver's betrayed heart in People magazine (reading gossip mags is clearly my favorite part of getting my nails done), I started to feel such an overwhelming sense of love and loyalty toward my husband (and an immediate hatred of all things Arnold, even "Twins"). Nothing like learning about someone having a secret child with the housekeeper to make you realize how good you have it. Today is our second wedding anniversary. I keep saying that it feels like so much longer than that, but in a GOOD way. We've been together almost five years now, which also doesn't seem like that long. He's so integral and necessary to my world that I can't imagine life was any good without him. It certainly wasn't anywhere near as fun. Or as filled with a seemingly infinite number of televised sporting events.

We're getting ready to get lei'd tomorrow. Naturally, Mr. Monk woke up with a terrible cold today. I fear that boy has inherited his father's impeccable timing. If this is anything like the other colds he's had, he'll be better by tomorrow afternoon and his father and I will be sick for the next week. Maybe we should boost our immune systems with breast milk too. Better yet, we'll just soak up some extra vitamin D in Hawaii this week. Aloha.

Calling All Hot Mamas

So, how exactly does intimacy work when you're married with an infant? Surely, nothing screams romance like the smell of spit up on the sheets. And any partner would be totally turned on by bags under the eyes and the fact that the same outfit has been worn three days straight, right? When you're the primary source of entertainment, nourishment and general safekeeping for a tiny human, it's easy to let yourself go. Your sexual self becomes like a grade school crush-someone you used to care about, but now can hardly remember. To get in the mood and perhaps rejoin the land of the living, I've created a little how-to guide for new mamas looking to glam up:

1. Leg hair be gone- this is probably the most basic of all grooming steps and can go along way towards making you feel sexy, or at least less hairy. If your legs haven't seen the light of day since sundress season and the hair can be braided at this point, it's time to dust off the razor. Even if you cover them right back up, at least they'll feel smooth and sleek when you run your hands up them or, even better, when someone else does.

2. Wash hair and ditch the ponytail- do not underestimate the amount of food, spit up, drool, snot, etc. that gets into your hair and just stays there. After the lather, rinse, repeat, perhaps you can do the unthinkable and not put it up? If the idea of leaving your hair down for the day is horrifying, it's time to either go get it done or spend a little time with a hairbrush. Styling your hair is one of the easiest ways to change your look, certainly more plausible than dropping the rest of that baby weight by nightfall.

3. Wax on, wax off (not just your eyebrows, ladies!)- much like your legs, grooming your ladyness just helps get you in the mood to show it off. This is the Field of Dreams theory people...

4. Fear not the sex- it's perfectly normal if even the thought of it is less than thrilling. It would probably be strange if you popped out a baby and were ready to go. Although it can seem like you'll never get back to a happy, healthy and satisfying sex life (for a while I thought my husband and I would just be best friends without benefits), it is possible. After all, people have more than one kid somehow. The most important thing to remember is take it slow. Talk with your partner and make sure that you are creating an inviting and sensual atmosphere for your intimate activities, no small feat with a bitty baby. Maybe leave the kids with a sitter for the night? Or take advantage of afternoon naptime? Be sure to forgive yourself if it takes a few weeks or months to get back to feeling like you actually want to have sex, let alone enjoy it. And, as my doctor told me, don't forget the lube!

5. Smile- this is possibly the most important of all. STOP COMPLAINING! No one wants to hear how many times the baby woke up last night and/or vomited all over you. While these factoids may be endlessly entertaining to you, I promise you that no one else cares as much, least of all your significant other who hears it every day. Of course, he wants to know about his spawn, but maybe the color and consistency of the poop talk can be left out for one day. Focus on the positive aspects of parenthood and how it has changed your relationship. Remember why you wanted to create a new life with this person. Also, try not to be so hard on yourself and your body. Your breasts, butt, stomach, thighs and arms may not look the same, but you carried a person for 9+ months. That logic should work for a good ten years. After that, there's always wine.