Boom

Years ago I had this epiphany in the women's bathroom of the law firm where I was working.  I do my best thinking in bathrooms, don't you?  I always used to talk to myself in the bathroom as a kid. Probably because it was the only place I could be alone in a tiny house with six people.  Getting back to the major moment, it was February 2006 and I was miserable.  I hated my job, my living situation, my completely dysfunctional relationship with my boyfriend and, essentially, my life.

For the previous four months, I had spent most of my day either fighting with my boyfriend or sobbing about fighting with my boyfriend.  He had moved away for graduate school and we were trying to make a long-distance, cross-continental romance work.  For various reasons, not the least of which was that he wanted to revel in his freedom while knowing that I would be there waiting for him when he needed me, it was definitely not working.  Unfortunately, every time I tried to break up with him he would promise to change.  We had an awful co-dependency that was killing me. Once I finally cut the cord, I felt like a balloon, floating freely up and up.   I immediately knew that was one of the best          decisions I would ever make.

Yet I still had the other issues in my life-the job, the apartment- that I knew were within my control. So, the epiphany that struck me as I stared at the beige stall trying not to pee too loudly was that I only have one life.  I was the only one who could make it not suck.  Sheer genius, I know.  But, somewhere along in the previous couple of years, I had lost sight of this obvious point.  I really had spent far too much time waiting for the "what ifs" or "whens" rather than just enjoy my life as it was or change it as needed.  If I always believed that things were going to be better at another point, there was no need to really focus on the present.  It was like someone smacked me in the head with a giant "THE FUTURE IS NOW" stamp.   

Fast forward six months and I was living in a new place, with a brand new job, in a new field.  The day after I started my new job I (re)met my future husband (technically we'd met once before but whatever).  It's amazing how much you can change once you decide that things need to change.

I'm starting to feel that same energy shift now.  While I'm not sobbing all day and talking to myself in bathrooms (sadly, this is no longer a solo activity), I don't feel as happy as I imagined I would while not working and playing with my kid all day.  It's hard.  Harder than I thought it would be.  I miss being me and don't like always being mommy (mom-me).  A change is coming.   Not a radical one, mind you.  Perhaps a 25-40% change in the status quo.  Once I figure out what that means, I'm going to get right on it.

Secrets and lies

I slept with someone else. And I'm in love with him.

My sister and I were in a Japanese restaurant on the Upper West Side, sitting about 8 inches from two men, one of whom was having the worst night ever. I spent the next hour willing myself not to look over at this poor couple. But, even though I wasn't looking at them and carried on a full conversation with my sister about nothing and everything (I miss living near my sister), I still could hear almost everything they were saying to each other. And it was seriously sad.

I've always been a major eavesdroppper. I don't do it in a malicious way, but sometimes I can't help it. I feel like Sookie the way I'm always capturing bits and pieces of other people's convos. I'll constantly turn to Mr. Schneed in amazement, "did you hear that?!" Every single time he'll respond with "what? I wasn't paying attention. " He NEVER pays attention to other people. Which is good? Is there something wrong with me that I like to listen to what others are saying?

I'm a nosy person. It started when I was a kid-I used to look in people's medicine cabinets every time I went to the bathroom in someone else's home (I've long since abandoned this terrible habit after finding some creepy things that could not be erased from memory). Once, during an after school program, I somehow managed to get stuck in one of my bathroom expeditions and had to call for help. When the hostess came in to relieve me, she saw what I'd been up to and yelled at me, "don't be such a yenta!" I prefer to think of myself as a spy. Perhaps I missed my calling.

Speaking of spies, I just started watching this new Showtime show, Homeland. The first couple of episodes were riveting. It's an interesting take on terrorism and US foreign policy. Just to Showtime it up, there are a lot of boob shots. Kind of too many.

Lately, people have been telling me all sorts of secrets that have a whole lot more meaning than they did when I was seven and found out that my friend Hannah had peed herself and pretended she spilled her apple juice. Maybe I just need to stop listening to the negativity for a bit. Why don't people ever share good news about themselves or others? I know that people like to commiserate but, once in a while, it would be nice to hear some good, old-fashioned bragging.

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle

Is it bad that my babysitter sometimes weirds me out? I can’t explain it, but I just don’t think everything adds up with her. One day she told me that her roommate stole her computer and that’s why she couldn’t get into her email account to write me back, another time she told me that she was behind a big car accident in the middle of the day and that’s why she was late, last week someone broke into her car and that’s why she had to make an emergency trip home and wasn’t available for the usual sitting time, yesterday she mentioned that she is being abducted by aliens this weekend and that’s why she may be unavailable for a while. Is it just me or does something not add up? After all, this person is watching my kid. He’s my most precious thing. If I wouldn’t want this woman driving my car, I probably shouldn’t have her providing the general safekeeping of my son. I just don’t know how to break up with her. I keep trying to do the fade away (a process I became intimately familiar with from the other side in my early twenties). She’s just not taking the hint. I think we need to have the talk. Ugh. You would think this would be easier as an adult, but suddenly I feel transformed back to 8th grade when I tried to dump my best friend ( we just, um, grew apart and um, shouldn’t hang out as much?). Thankfully, my baby spits up on and gives his drooly smiles indiscriminately so I don’t think he’s yet old enough to notice the switcheroo. Wish me luck!