Now with a side of eye candy

We just arrived at our fancy pants hotel in Maui after a relaxing, chill, DIY few days in the more rustic north shore Kauai. The difference between these two experiences is pretty stark. In Kauai, I felt positively chic simply for having put on mascara or a bra (I swear that island must ban the sale of bras because there was nary one in sight). You must chill there because if you didn’t you would go completely nuts. We did a whole lot of nothing—in the form of sitting on the lanai (this word will forever remind me of the Golden Girls), teaching Mr. Monk to “swim” in the pool, eating tuna at every meal (mecury, shmercury), hiking down treacherous paths to secluded beaches carrying chairs, diapers, clothing, bottles, and various other sundries that remained untouched, unappreciated and yet still had to be carried back up. All in all, a damn fine way to enjoy life for a few days—and my skin is all dewy from the near 100% humidity.

However.

When I walked down to the pool area here in Maui, I immediately felt pale, round and afraid to be more than arm’s distance from my cover up. The first thing I noticed was the bronzed backside of a glamazon in a teeny bikini. I couldn’t help but stare at her ass and wonder how one achieves such a feat. Suddenly, she turned around and I saw that she must have been at least 7 months pregnant!!!! This woman is carrying around an almost fully formed little person and yet still looks nicer from behind than I’ll ever look. Oh well, at least there are free cookies in my room! And spin class at 8 am. Which will make me happier? If I go for both do they cancel each other out? I’ll be pondering these and other pressing questions while pretending to read at the pool.

On totally unrelated note—
Reason number 568 how you know you married the right man: he reads through the NY Times Wedding Section to see if your ex-boyfriend, who is getting married today, is listed in there because he “didn’t want you to find it first and have it ruin your day.” The ex’s wedding wasn’t listed but how nice of Mr. Schneed to look, eh?