Monday, May 9, 2011

Nothing Good Happens Past 3 am

I have not been sleeping well. Never mind the fact that I have a 6-month-old baby. He sleeps like a champ. I wish there were contests for baby sleepers because my little one would win. Only night sleep though. Day sleep is a whole nother story, and not a fun one. But, getting back to my sleeping issues, this past weekend while up in Tahoe, I confronted two of my biggest nighttime fears: being eaten by a bear and being crawled on by a spider. Guess which one actually happened?

No, I was not eaten by a bear, but I could have been because on Friday night I awoke at 4 am to find the apartment door wide open. I was so confused and freaked out that I immediately thought a bear clawed its way into the place. Putting aside the fact that if a wild bear got into my home, I’d probably not have been woken up by just needing to pee, I shook D awake and told him he had to go into the hallway to check for a bear. As we both stood baffled in our PJ best, we heard the howling wind and realized that the dang door blew open by itself. Well, not entirely by itself as it was helped by D when he forgot to lock the door. Now maybe he’ll start to understand why I have to ask him at least three times about his locking certainty. You would think that time last month when our neighbor called to tell him that he left the garage door open would have been enough…anyway, our itty bitty baby managed to sleep through this whole fiasco. Even Tonydog didn’t beg to go out like he usually does at the crack of dawn when we go up there. Perhaps the crazy, door-blowing-down wind scared him too.

The next night’s slumber was far more sinister. Somewhere in the fives I was minding my own business and enjoying the security of a thrice-locked front door when I started to feel a slight tickle. At first it was on my neck and I assumed it was one of the eleven thousand hairs that fall out every day from my head (seriously, how is there any left given how much is all over my bathroom floor?). I instinctively flicked the swath of hair off my neck and turned over. Then, I felt another itch on my chest. Again, I tried to rub off that annoying hair thinking that I should have put the unwieldy mess in a ponytail before going to sleep. Finally, there was a distinct feeling of movement on my arm. While half-asleep, I reached down and plucked something off and threw it across the room. My eyes flew open and I screamed. WTF?! I turned on the light as D groggily wondered if the door was open again. I told him that I thought I felt a spider and let out a huge shudder. Of course D goes, “oh yeah, I think I felt that.” I railed at him for not waking me up and instead letting this evil thing crawl its eight legs all over me while I slept innocently beside him. First rule of marriage: always wake your spouse up when there is a third party in the bed. I turned on the light and saw the little beast trying to escape. What, who me? I’ve been on the floor this whole time. I snuffed that creep right out. Normally, I don’t like to kill things but this guy (I just know it was a male trying to cop a feel) had it coming. The rest of the night was shot for me as I felt like I had been dropped in a spider-filled snake pit (only thing worse than spiders are snakes. And sharks). I am still trying to erase that experience permanently from my brain. Where is the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind when you need it?

But, still, the baby sleeps. Some dreams do come true.

And so do some nightmares.

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