Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Boom

Years ago I had this epiphany in the women's bathroom of the law firm where I was working.  I do my best thinking in bathrooms, don't you?  I always used to talk to myself in the bathroom as a kid. Probably because it was the only place I could be alone in a tiny house with six people.  Getting back to the major moment, it was February 2006 and I was miserable.  I hated my job, my living situation, my completely dysfunctional relationship with my boyfriend and, essentially, my life.

For the previous four months, I had spent most of my day either fighting with my boyfriend or sobbing about fighting with my boyfriend.  He had moved away for graduate school and we were trying to make a long-distance, cross-continental romance work.  For various reasons, not the least of which was that he wanted to revel in his freedom while knowing that I would be there waiting for him when he needed me, it was definitely not working.  Unfortunately, every time I tried to break up with him he would promise to change.  We had an awful co-dependency that was killing me. Once I finally cut the cord, I felt like a balloon, floating freely up and up.   I immediately knew that was one of the best          decisions I would ever make.

Yet I still had the other issues in my life-the job, the apartment- that I knew were within my control. So, the epiphany that struck me as I stared at the beige stall trying not to pee too loudly was that I only have one life.  I was the only one who could make it not suck.  Sheer genius, I know.  But, somewhere along in the previous couple of years, I had lost sight of this obvious point.  I really had spent far too much time waiting for the "what ifs" or "whens" rather than just enjoy my life as it was or change it as needed.  If I always believed that things were going to be better at another point, there was no need to really focus on the present.  It was like someone smacked me in the head with a giant "THE FUTURE IS NOW" stamp.   

Fast forward six months and I was living in a new place, with a brand new job, in a new field.  The day after I started my new job I (re)met my future husband (technically we'd met once before but whatever).  It's amazing how much you can change once you decide that things need to change.

I'm starting to feel that same energy shift now.  While I'm not sobbing all day and talking to myself in bathrooms (sadly, this is no longer a solo activity), I don't feel as happy as I imagined I would while not working and playing with my kid all day.  It's hard.  Harder than I thought it would be.  I miss being me and don't like always being mommy (mom-me).  A change is coming.   Not a radical one, mind you.  Perhaps a 25-40% change in the status quo.  Once I figure out what that means, I'm going to get right on it.

4 comments:

  1. I always do my thinking on the treadmill for some reason... that's where I had decided I was going to stop seeing the loser, be single, and get a new job... 2 out of 3 was good. I stopped talking to the loser, got a new job and finally felt like I was "starting a career"... and ended up meeting my future husband ;) Sometimes it just takes a quiet place to make some awesome decisions.

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    1. Totally. I think I need more "quiet places" in my life these days. 2 out of 3 ain't bad...

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  2. i do feel like that sometimes too. I look at other moms and it seems they are enjoying every second of it, and then there's me. I love my kids, and my hubs but I miss work, I miss alone time, I miss doing what I want to do. Hang in there....

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    1. Thanks for the support, lady! It's nice sometimes to have a forum, albeit a tiny one, to express my jumbled thoughts. Even just putting it in print helps me figure out where I want to go from here.

      Maybe those other moms who seemingly enjoy every second are just a little bit better ... at faking it?

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